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The Ridiculous Cost of Raising children

It’s funny to think that money has power. It’s just paper. Actually, nowadays, it’s just numbers continually counting up and down, up and down, in a computerized bank accounts. Money lords over adults. But money has almost no power over a child. So how can children live? How can they be happy? How can they even exist? Let’s explore this.

What does a baby need at birth?

  1. It takes its first breath. It needs air. Air is free. (Praise God!)

  2. It needs comfort.

  3. It needs Food.

  4. It needs to be cleaned.

  5. It needs sleep. Oh, good. Sleep is also free!

Hm. So we’ve got problems. 1 and 5 are okay—both of these things are free. However, the rest of these needs are super expensive…

So for Number 2, let’s be honest, the miracle of birth can be terribly traumatic. Now that Baby is in a completely new environment, using lungs for the first time and all. It needs someone to let it know it is safe. The child will definitively need a Psychologist to get to the root of the trauma and help the child regain a sense of autonomy. Not cheap. Therapy will definitely go on for years.

Now number 3 is tough. Baby can’t just go buy a thing of nachos. Heck, it doesn’t even have teeth yet. So we’re not only going to have to find food, but also get a smoothie maker! Oh no. I forgot--the child will also transportation to get said food. We’ll have to develop a travel system—some sort of vehicle, I suppose—that will allow the immobile child to travel using its limited movements. That’s going to break the bank, right there.

And then 4. That’s easy. We can get a home health aide to help with toileting and bathing. But the expense it still going to be tough every month.

Oh, boy. I just realized that as when the baby gets older, they’re going to need more!

6. They’re going to want to play. That means I have to buy toys and hire an early childhood specialist to interact with the child in a stimulating fashion to develop the brain.

7. They need to learn to walk. I’ll have to hire a physical therapist.

8. They’ll need to learn to talk. That means a speech pathologist.


Without money? The human Race would clearly go extinct. There's no possible way to afford having children.

After the weekly counseling (they change so much day-to-day even!)-$400/month, nutrition ($200/month), home health aid ($1,150/month), independent mobile system ($200/month), toys ($25/week), play coach ($800/month), physical therapist ($800/month), Speech Pathologist ($800/month).

That's $4,450 EVERY MONTH!!! Seriously, I can't even comprehend how we have survived this long. --I mean, we're just talking about basic needs here! What a needy species.

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